Shortly after we got married, Tami, Colton and I were working through all the changes and figuring out how we all fit together in this newly chosen lifestyle. We all knew that communication was needed to help us through our struggles. We still had to figure out how to do that, how to understand each other, since we all had different communication styles, as well as different personalities.
We sat down to talk, and through our conversation Tami asked me, “What made you decide you wanted to live plural marriage?”
I’m sure I had been asked this question many times before, and I’m sure my answer was along the lines of, “If I’m supposed to, and I feel called to live it, then I will.”-It was a sort of generic answer, acknowledging that we never truly know what the future holds…This time, however, when Tami asked me, I received it differently. At this point I had truly made the life-altering decision to enter into plural marriage. I can say with certainty that I just knew it was right, but I also knew that Tami needed more than that simple answer to understand me better, and to understand my belief in living plural marriage.
Thinking back, I could remember the pivotal moments in my life that brought me here. It was all based around an internal spiritual prompting of each event, a feeling of knowing the truth without an ounce of doubt. I learned to trust myself and the spirit in those moments.
My background growing up…
I was born into a plural marriage, my mother was a second wife. My parents divorced when I was young, but I continued to have a relationship with my other siblings throughout my life. I never had a direct influence of plural marriage from my father, but from what I did see, my father’s other wives got along well. Now growing up and having a better understanding of what plural marriage is, I can see that they indeed are a positive example of plural marriage.
My mother raised me as a single mother, as such, the closest support we ended up having was the LDS church. I was baptized into the LDS church when I was 8, and continued to be associated with it all the way up through my teens. I was 16 when I had my first moment that started my path towards living plural marriage.
At that time I had started going to youth events with a group in which plural marriage is an acceptable belief and even an encouraged belief. In this moment, I had an opportunity to ponder and seek inspiration concerning which religious belief that I should continue forward with. My first option was the LDS church, and the second option was the group that believed in plural marriage.
I truly thought of the people as a whole and asked myself where I felt I would find my husband (because when you’re 16 years old all you are thinking about is the fact that it is now “socially acceptable” for you to start dating 😉 ). I weighed my options and without a doubt I felt like the right path for me to choose was to continue forward with the group instead of the church. I had no concept of what living in plural marriage actually was, other than the fact that the LDS church condemned it. My father lived it, however, so I really didn’t see why it was considered so terrible.
Learning about marriage
I then started to read older religious books. I learned about “courtship”, an older term used, meaning “Courting with the intention of marriage”. I liked this term, and decided that I didn’t want to just date someone, I wanted to pray, and know who I was supposed to marry, then make the decision mutually to “court” with a pure intent. I also realized this term was a necessary part of plural marriage, and the reason for this is, you want your husband to stay honorable, and in no case does it make sense for a married man to “date” someone.
A courtship is reserved for all members of the family to mutually agree to enter into a courtship with a woman that they have prayed about, and feel she may fit into their family. A courtship is not a final commitment, it is a protective space for a single woman to get to know a family better under the mutual understanding that she is being “courted with the intent of being married into the family”, as well as a protective space for the current family to determine in an everyday setting, whether this woman adds peace to their family, rather than disrupting the foundation it stands on. I continued to feel that plural marriage seemed to be a normal belief system that I felt inspired to someday live.
My family then chose to move off-grid, meaning we had no real connection to the outside world and the only form of entertainment I had was reading and every now and then turning the generator on to watch a movie before I went to bed. So I read…I read about gardening, I read about self-sufficiency, I read about herbs and I continued to read and learn about the gospel and truly form my beliefs based off of what I read and felt…instead of simply relying on what others had taught me while I was growing up. I went through a phase where I challenged everything I knew and I wanted to see the evidence behind everything.
With time I grew up, moved out on my own, went through a few relationships, and really struggled at times with questioning what the point of life was.
I had a trial of my faith. I felt so lost as to where I was going and what I was supposed to be doing with my life. I realized I had to start seeking inspiration from the Lord with every facet of my life to try and get myself back on the path that God intended for me to be on. My theory was that if I took the right steps in the right direction…even if it began with a baby step, at some point in time I would be on the right path and be in the right place.
During that period in my life, I didn’t know if I was ever going to live in a plural marriage. I didn’t even know if I was ever going to get married. I felt so lost, but I wanted my life to mean something. I wanted to be a blessing and a support to everyone around me. At that moment, I decided to be content. I stopped looking for a husband, and a different life. Then, shortly thereafter, I found everything I had wished for. I found truth, I found my faith, and I found my path. When I found Tami and Colton, I found my reason to live in plural marriage.
So in answer to Tami’s question and to answer it for all of you, I researched the gospel and went throughout my life by following the promptings of the spirit. It was a spiritual journey, you could say. I didn’t truly know that plural marriage was right for me, until I found my family. Now there is no question about it. I have since had opportunities to refine my reason for living in plural marriage, because I have now experienced the benefits of living it. I’m sure that at some point I will have the opportunity to share that with you! 🙂
Until next time,
Sophie Winder