I’ll start this with a brief summary of part one and then pick up where I left off last week.
To summarize: I was born and raised as faithfully as any youth is in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I was exposed to very negative views of plural marriage as a child and discovered later that there was also a happy and blessed side to it. It wasn’t always just a trial and a hardship. I began to struggle with my testimony in relation to the LDS Church and the original teachings of the “New and Everlasting Covenant.” A few years after this, I began a downward spiral of deep depression. In coming out of it, I learned some valuable lessons. My depression got so bad that I was having thoughts of taking my life, which I realize now was completely irrational because I truly am so blessed and have it so easy compared to many other people. When the chemistry in your brain isn’t right though, no amount of logic can pierce that darkness. I finally sought help for my condition and began to turn my life around.
Now we’ll pick up where I left off in my last post.
Tami was always faithful and supportive through all of this. She was my constant rock. She was and is an absolute saint. One of the most hurtful rumors that I’ve heard that people have spread about Tami and I has been that she only consented to plural marriage because of my depression. This gossip has been particularly hurtful because people who know the truth, but refuse to accept it have spread it. It’s been so disheartening for us.
It was only once my issues with depression had largely been resolved and I was possessed by a sunnier disposition that we decided together that we needed to revisit our faith and discover where we stood with it. We needed to decide if we were going to continue on our path in the LDS Church, or if we were going to open ourselves to the possibility that God had another plan for us.
In my depression, I had been lost in the darkness and didn’t even care what happened to me, but I finally found my way back to God and finally put my feet once again in the narrow way that He had laid out for me. Like the prodigal son, I returned to my Father, my eternal Father. There is no greater blessing in my life than the opportunity to repent and to partake of the forgiveness offered through the atonement of Jesus Christ.
Opening ourselves to possibilities
Tami and I opened our minds to the possibility that maybe God had been guiding us all along and we just weren’t open to receiving his guidance because we didn’t like the answer. It would have been so easy for us to deny the testimony we’d been given. It would have been so easy for us to remain in the LDS Church and never face the criticism we have. We decided to give religion one more try, however, and to open our hearts and minds to any light and knowledge that the Lord would bless us with. Those small flames of a testimony of plural marriage became a conviction of the importance of it as an eternal doctrine.
The lifestyle for us has taken on perhaps a slightly different form than it assumed when it was preached in the 1800s. It’s certainly taken on a different form than it has in many groups who continue to practice it today. It’s taken on a form that works for us and for our relationship with our Father in Heaven. That beautiful relationship is all that we had hoped for and we’ve been richly blessed. That’s not to say that it hasn’t been without its trials. Plural marriage is a higher law. It’s a refining fire and wasn’t meant to be easy. It is a life of sacrifice, but if those sacrifices are given in love and faith, the blessings that can be received are abundant and rich.
I don’t believe that everyone will be required to live plural marriage to achieve their celestial glory.
I do believe that those who are willing to accept it and live according to the law will receive the blessings pertaining to it, including all of the blessings of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. I believe that those who are willing to receive it will receive a more abundant share of their exaltation and will be more prepared to abide in that glory.
I still have ongoing struggles with bouts of depression and anxiety. I don’t know if it’s something that can ever truly be healed in this life. It’s something that I’ll probably struggle with my entire life. I’ve had relapses and probably will continue to do so on occasion. Moments where it’s hard to feel that my life has any purpose and that there’s no reason to even try to find lasting happiness. I’m so grateful, though, that I’ve found my faith once again and that it has brought light and joy into my life once more. I’m grateful for my loving and supportive wives and my beautiful daughter. With their help and the miracles of modern medicine, those periods of darkness truly are just fleeting moments now, rather than a constant struggle.
I feel, in more ways than one, like the prodigal son.
Not only has this been a personal journey as I lost my religion and found it again, it’s also a generational story of loss and return. We’ve returned to a facet of faith that our ancestors chose to turn away from and found the rich blessings and joy, as well as the trials and opportunities for growth, that are inherent therein. For that we are truly grateful…
