“I have not publically shared any of the following details”
Last month was pregnancy and infant loss awareness, and I have been thinking a lot on if I’m ready to share the infertility journey I’ve been on. Up until now, I have not publically shared any of the following details. I have decided at this point to share.
When we were filming season 2 of Seeking Sister Wives, I was asked many times, “Are you planning on having kids soon?”. I remember trying to come up with a polite answer on how to respond to this question as it was incredibly personal, and a very vulnerable topic for me. Tami answered the question in one of her interviews and stated a perfect answer, “Babies come when they come, and we don’t really get to decide when that is.” “She’s right”, I thought to myself. Because if I could decide when we had babies, I would already have one, if not a second one on the way! All I’ve ever wanted to do was be a mom!
“Never once did I get a positive pregnancy test”
Just after getting married, I started my apprenticeship to be a midwife. I was around pregnancy and babies all the time. Learning more and more in depth about cycles, women and fertility. I kept trying and learning different methods of tracking my fertility and using ovulation sticks etc., yet nothing seemed to work. Never once did I get a positive pregnancy test. I stayed hopeful and knew that I would become pregnant when the time was right.
A year into trying, I was really starting to struggle. Feeling like something was wrong and that it wasn’t possible for me to get pregnant. Tami encouraged me to go to a fertility doctor and see if that would get me some answers. I had a hard time deciding to do this, as I don’t go to doctors unless it’s a serious event that warrants going. I contemplated this for a few months and then ultimately decided I wanted some answers and reached out to a doctor.
“I KNEW what negatives looked like, and that was definitely not a negative”
We did blood test after blood test and found a few answers, but still had plenty of questions. My fertility doctor wanted me to start taking thyroid medication as he found through my blood work that my thyroid function was low. This surprised me! I really hated the idea of taking pills everyday, especially prescription ones, but I began to in hopes it would help. I noticed an immediate difference in a few things. I used to always be cold but would be sweaty at the same time, and taking these pills I noticed within days that was remedied. The first cycle after I began treatment I got a positive pregnancy test! Then I started my period 3-4 days later. Maybe I wasn’t pregnant? But I had NEVER seen a positive! I KNEW what negatives looked like, and that was definitely not a negative. I finally had another appointment with my doctor and discussed the chain of events and he said, “Yes, you were pregnant!”. I responded with, “So I CAN get pregnant! Well that’s good news. But why didn’t it stick?”. Yet another hurdle we came to.
The next month the doctor wanted to try a fertility process that included pills, ultrasounds, and shots in the butt (that wasn’t fun!). Colton gave me the shots in the butt, and I joked that maybe sometimes I was a pain in his butt, and that now, he got to be a pain in mine ;). This process was similar to IUI which stands for Intrauterine Insemination, but we didn’t do the insemination part. We tried this for a cycle and it didn’t work. The plan was to try that process for 3 cycles, and if I wasn’t able to get pregnant that we would then reassess. The second cycle I did part of the process, and the doctor told me that my follicles weren’t ready and that this cycle was a bust, and that we would try again the next cycle. I waited for my cycle to start, and the time I expected it came and went. I anticipated my period so that we could start another cycle…why wasn’t it starting? Was it because we didn’t finish the fertility cycle with the rest of the drugs? Did that mess up my cycles? I finally called the doctor’s office a week and a couple of days after I was supposed to get my period to see what was up. The lady on the phone asked if I took a pregnancy test. “Uh, no.” I responded. She advised me to take one and to let her know the results. Duh! Why didn’t I think of that?! I took one and it was positive. That was silly of me! Why didn’t I think to take a test! I was so sure that there was something wrong because we didn’t finish the fertility round. The doctor’s office sent in labs for blood work and I had to wait over the weekend to go in and get them done. Over the weekend I started getting pregnancy symptoms of serious nausea. I stayed the night over at Tami’s home and Tami was wonderful and brought me some peppermint tea in bed the next morning since I was still feeling very sick.
“My first real feeling of a miscarriage”
Wow! I’m Pregnant, and I have nausea! It finally worked! I went in to get my blood work drawn the next week and awaited the confirmation of the blood test. Hours and hours later it came in. Negative. What? How could that be?? I got 3 positive pregnancy urine tests. I was so confused. I had nausea and everything! Coming down off of the high, but still hoping that maybe it was just too early to get a positive blood test, I waited for my period to start. At about 6 weeks along I passed a sac. I was pregnant, for a small period of time. My first real feeling of a miscarriage, as the very first time was what was called a chemical pregnancy, and I barely missed my period. Many women have chemical pregnancies but never know they are pregnant due to an “early miss” when they get their period just days after expecting it and never know or expect a pregnancy.
“It was one of the hardest parts to our infertility struggle…”
Ugh! Why is this so hard? Why wasn’t I able to keep that baby? At this point the doctor decided to have us do a complete IUI process, at which point we do all that we’ve done, but they do a sperm wash to get only the good sperm, and insert directly into my uterus. Going into it, we had no idea what to expect, and looking back it was one of the hardest parts to our infertility struggle.
We were willing, because we wanted a baby so badly, and its miserable that we haven’t been able to do it naturally, but at least there are medical advances that allow us to have this as an option. It was the most impersonal experience I have ever experienced. Originally we had planned to go to the lab together to drop off the sperm sample for processing, and then I would go to the doctor’s office and do the next part and Colton would go to work. What was I thinking? This was such an emotional mind game. How could I ever think about not having Colton there in the room when our child was conceived via medical instruments? There were tears of processing, and realizing I needed him to come with me. This whole infertility journey was so hard, and to add to the process something out of the norm, I had a hard time wrapping my head around. My struggles with this process do not discount the miracle that it has been for many in positive outcomes with IUI and IVF, and I’m sure all of those couples went through similar struggles.
We went through two cycles of the IUI process with no luck. At this point my fertility doctor said that he wasn’t sure why we weren’t able to get pregnant, but to just keep trying and at some point we might be able to conceive.
“Losing your baby at any stage of pregnancy is one of the worst pains to have to endure.”
Here’s to being open and vulnerable and sharing that I am one of the 1 in 4 women who have experienced miscarriage. Bringing forward pregnancy loss and miscarriage awareness, my heart goes out to all of you that have experienced infertility, pregnancy loss and infant loss. Losing your baby at any stage of pregnancy is one of the worst pains to have to endure.