We’ve had a lot of people ask us about courting. I know we’ve touched upon it in the past, but we decided to make it in a blog post all on its own.

“You don’t date a married man…”

Whether you live plural marriage or not, you want your husband to stay honorable to you, honorable to your marriage vows, or covenants, or whatever applies to your relationship. Marriage is a beautiful thing, and choosing to live your life with someone, and committing yourself to them, is a beautiful thing. You want to keep that relationship strong, and be faithful to what you have already established. The trust that you’ve built over the years, and the foundation you’ve created together. I can’t say this enough, you don’t date a married man.

Becoming vulnerable, and accepting another wife into the family.

In the type of lifestyle we’ve chosen, we want to make sure that the circumstances we put ourselves in keep us and our husband honorable. He has committed to each of us, we’ve committed to him, and as sister-wives we have committed to each other, and we choose to live this life together every single day. We choose to be respectful to each other in our choices, and that carries over into all aspects of our lives. This is especially true when we open ourselves up, and become vulnerable, to accepting another potential wife into the family.

“Would you be ready to add another wife?”

After about a year into our marriage, we had a discussion one night about the possibility of our family growing. Colton asked me “if we met a woman tomorrow, that we knew belonged in our family and she felt the same, would you be ready to add another wife?” My mentality has always been open to the progression of our family. After all, Tami accepted me into her family, how could I decide that it has to stop with me. When Colton asked me this question, I promptly said, “Are you kidding me? Are you serious?” My answer came from the communication struggles we had been having, and the natural struggles of a newly formed plural marriage. We were still working through learning how each other communicated, and getting to know each other better.

“Seeking a sister wife is a balancing act”

Then I paused, and rethought my answer. I knew that we were having our struggles, but I also knew that we wouldn’t always be having these struggles, and I would never want to be closed off to the right person that belonged in our family. Even though our marriage hadn’t been easy, it was so worth it! And it was something we were working on, all of us, refining it into something beautiful. I also reflected back on how everything had happened with me meeting Tami & Colton, and how everything progressed with us, and would love if that happened again. Seeking a sister wife is a balancing act. I started to compile my thoughts and reform my answer. I told Colton, “The question is, are you ready to take another wife? If we found the right person, that belonged in our family, I can be ready for that, but what you need to decide is are you ready to grow, and become capable of taking care of your current wives’ needs, and an additional wife’s needs. When adding another wife, if you aren’t ready, our family will fall out of balance, and it will possibly ruin what we have and all that we have built.” Colton agreed, that it isn’t just the wives that need to be ready, it’s the husband that needs to prepare himself as well.

The Process of Courtship

In our belief, a courtship is of a more serious nature than dating. We consider it to be courting with the intention of marriage. To simplify it, it means that we have all prayed about it, we have gotten to know the woman that would like to join us well enough that we can all comfortably decide that we would like to get to know her more intimately and on a deeper level, and we all have an intention to bring her into our family. We then start an official courtship, and bring her into our every day family functions, to see if she still provides a peaceful addition to our family and if she also feels at peace with us. To be clear, we would never approach a woman, or open a conversation about the possibility of courtship with a woman who hadn’t explicitly told us that she was interested in joining our family.

“Avoid even the appearance of evil”

When we are getting to know a potential sister wife, we make sure our husband is never in a compromised situation with her. We make sure chaperones are present. That is not because we don’t trust our husband, it is because there are certain circumstances that we don’t want our husband to have to be in. There is a saying, “Avoid even the appearance of evil”. If there is never a situation our husband is placed in that compromises his position of honor, there can never be an ill word spoken against him. 

“Full Circle of an Honorable Man”

Having these guidelines in place respects and honors all prior commitments that have been made with current wives, as well as future commitments with future wives. If a woman receives the testimony she needs to and we are all on the same page and she becomes a wife, she also will have that trust in her husband. In knowing how he acted with her throughout her courtship, she knows she can trust him in any future courtship with another woman. This process shows the full circle of an honorable man. From a potential wife courting our husband, to a current wife committed in the relationship, to a future courtship with another potential wife. It removes many unnecessary hardships from the process of welcoming a new wife into the family.

Standards for a Courtship:

To make it simple, the standards of a courtship are guided by what the current wives are comfortable with. They need to be respected in the process, and if they are not comfortable with something, then it does not happen. The same holds true for a potential sister-wife. Courtship is a wonderful opportunity to explore communication, and establishing what we each hope to gain out of a courtship and the progression we hope it will take is a wonderful opportunity to learn each other’s values and desires in life.

Overall, this really boils down to consent. If a woman is interested in joining our family and is willing to express that desire in a straightforward way, if all of the wives in the current marriage are in favor of opening that discussion, if Colton feels that she will be a loving addition to our family, and if she feels that we’ll be an exalting influence in her life, we can begin a conversation. Families in plural marriages aren’t very nimble with decision making, so it’s usually a fairly slow process. There are more feelings, desires, and emotions to wade through in a family like ours, and that takes time and care. Above all else, we want to protect what we have and protect other women as much as possible from the pain of failed relationships. It’s daunting, but if done right, it’s also edifying and exalting for all in the marriage.

Feel free to comment on this post, with any other questions you may have regarding courtship, or our lifestyle.

Sophie