“Hello, this is a bit out of the blue. But my name is … and I am a producer for various shows in the television industry. I helped cast the first season of seeking seeking sister wife towards the end of casting. Now we do not know if there is a season 2 yet but if there was would you and your family be interested this time? If so I would love to talk possibilities. The show is about families journey into finding the perfect fit even if they don’t find the right one. Thank you for your time. Hope to hear from you.”
That’s how it all began…
Not the polygamy; our belief in that began a long time ago. This was the beginning of my family stepping into the spotlight, reticently perhaps, but taking that step all the same. I’m a quiet, reserved man. I’ve always believed that a person who constantly listens learns a lot more than a person who constantly talks. Anyone who has truly taken the time to get to know me though will know that I do speak out, sometimes over-zealously, in regards to topics that I’m passionate about. One of those topics that has been a passion of mine is the ideal of “liberty and justice for all.” I’m grateful for the freedoms that we enjoy in this great nation, but I’m not naive enough to believe that liberty is equally distributed among us, even here in my home state.
How did this become the case in Utah? Persecution can have some very long-reaching effects. These consequences are readily apparent in multiple cultures and communities throughout the world. The culture that I was raised in was the most apparent example to me while I was growing up. I’ve since been exposed to others and I’ve since spoken out in defense of other persecuted communities (and will continue to), but I can’t speak to their experiences nearly as well as I can speak to my own, so that’s what I’ll limit this post to.
There’s a persecution complex that plays a large role in Mormon culture in Utah.
The narrative has always been that we are a persecuted people. It’s true that our ancestors were driven, sometimes at gunpoint, from home to home until they ended up in our beautiful valleys. Even after they arrived here, the persecution followed them. Utah was denied statehood for decades and multiple people were imprisoned for their defiance towards unconstitutional laws. Following this (and as a resolution of sorts), there was a major shift in their religious belief that laid the groundwork for much greater integration of the Mormon people with the rest of their fellow Americans. Many changes followed this shift, but one consequence of the decades of persecution persists even to this day. The persecution complex is alive and well here in our lovely Deseret. We feel that any slight amount of criticism of religion is a re-visitation of the persecution of old. I could offer many examples and anecdotes from my own life, but one example I have seen is that any association drawn between the mainstream LDS church and polygamy is made out to be a slander of the gravest nature.
And there’s the rub. No faithful, living member of the LDS church has experienced any amount of persecution in Utah nearly as horrible as what they have been complicit in heaping on their estranged coreligionists, the Mormon Fundamentalists. Even the small amount of persecution I occasionally experienced walking the cobblestone streets of the Czech Republic as an LDS missionary absolutely pales in comparison with the treatment of people in Utah who share many of the same beliefs, but differ in holding to some of the more original precepts of the faith. Few faithful members of the LDS church face familial shunning and social ostracism for adhering to their most sacred principles. No faithful member of the LDS church has to live with the knowledge that they could someday face criminal prosecution for their beliefs. Yet these are persecutions they’re complicit in supporting and perpetrating on others. In 2017, a member of Utah’s House of Representatives debating the merits of a bill re-criminalizing plural marriage stated that “it really bothers me that they basically hijack my Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saint’s religion and say ‘We’re Mormon.’ But you’re not, you’re an apostate group and you need to recognize that.” This attitude is common in Utah. The existence of this attitude is the exact reason that I chose to appear on the show.
When Tami and I first made the choice to enter plural marriage,
and later when Sophie joined our family, we all had resolved to do it relatively quietly. Tami and I had attended and supported a rally with other Mormon Fundamentalists the previous year in opposition to the aforementioned legislative bill. Occasionally we shared our thoughts on our personal social media profiles. We never intended to do more than that. After our first year in a plural marriage, though, we had finally reached a point where we knew that we couldn’t be silent and limit our voices to our small circle any longer. We’d all faced disapproval, criticism, and calls to repentance from family we loved. I’ve shared my journey to plural marriage in previous posts. I struggled with religion for years. I struggled with figuring out what my religion would be, or if I’d even be religious at all. Tami was right in that struggle with me. It hurt us to the core to have people we loved downplay and ridicule the outcome we came to after those years of pain and darkness. For the first time in our lives, we began to experience real persecution and what we’ve experienced doesn’t even approach the experiences of others falling under the umbrella of fundamentalism. On the other hand, some of our family members and friends have been so understanding and so supportive, even if they may not agree with our beliefs or our choice to live the way that we do. We’ve been so grateful for those loyal relationships in our lives and I’d be remiss if I didn’t express how much they mean to me.
We knew we’d face criticism because of the show. I don’t think anyone who hasn’t done it before can understand how hard it is to open up in front of a camera and share your pearls, hoping to the highest heavens that you aren’t casting them before swine while knowing in the back of your mind that there will be some (or many) who will turn and rend you. Knowing that every facial expression you make and every off-the-cuff comment will be displayed to millions of viewers, many of whom are adamantly committed to misunderstanding and criticizing not only your beliefs and relationships, but even more petty characteristics. In this experience I’ve discovered just how shallow people can be. I have an incredible appreciation and respect for the families that have opened up and faced that criticism before us. It’s been one of the hardest things I’ve done in my life.
No, I didn’t do this show for fame or attention.
I didn’t do it for money. I did it to try to make a difference. I did it to show the world that we may not agree in our beliefs and our choice of lifestyle, but we should at least agree that as consenting adults, we should all be free to determine how we’ll live our lives. We’ve all exercised that freedom in our family. Tami, Sophie, and I have each chosen according to our agency to live and believe this way. We’ve all found happiness in it and we want others to have the freedom to find happiness in their lives as well. I’m still awkward. I’m still quiet. Enoch of old said, “all the people hate me, for I am slow of speech.” Sometimes I feel that way. It’s been a very vulnerable and challenging position for me. Despite my humanity and shortcomings, I still hope to make a positive difference in the world. Time will tell if I’m able to accomplish that, but I’m certainly going to try. That is the reason that I chose to do the TV show.
