Adding children to the family
Since we appeared in the second season of Seeking Sister Wife, we’ve frequently been asked about adding children to the family. Some of those questions have been for me, but most of them have been for Sophie. I can understand why; plural marriage is inherently connected with big families with a lot of kids. Polygamy across cultures and religious beliefs also has a lot of different standards, so some seem to believe that having children can be a way to measure a woman’s status. I understand why there is so much interest in this topic.
That being said, I also feel like it is a loaded question. In all lifestyles it seems that people are curious about children. I remember when Colton and I got married, within a couple of weeks (not even a full month) after we came back from our honeymoon someone asked us when we were going to have kids. About three months later someone commented to us that I was obviously not pregnant yet and offered help and advice. I have talked to many other people who have had similar experiences.
I have always felt like that is a problem.
Most people are just being friendly and concerned. We understand that. After all, having kids is a natural progression in life: we grow up, we get married, we have kids. It seems to me that some people just want to get a reaction out of you or make you blush, but I think most people are well-meaning. This is what made me want to do a post on this topic, because what I think most people don’t understand is that asking that question can be very insensitive and even occasionally mean.
Talking about fertility
This topic has started to become a lot more common and understood, but for a long time no one was very open about infertility. And here’s the thing: there are so many variations of infertility. There’s a huge range from having a slight hormone imbalance to bigger problems that require medical attention like surgery. And even if there isn’t a problem with fertility, miscarriage is very common with those trying to have children. We should be aware and thoughtful about the struggles someone may be going through.

To assume a person needs your help or advice on how and when to get pregnant can be incredibly insensitive when you understand that person may have been trying to get pregnant only to have several miscarriages. They may also have learned that the only way they might be able to have children is to spend a lot of money on treatments they may not be sure how to afford. They may have found out that they will be unable to have children at all.
Talking about such emotional topics can be difficult
Miscarriage, infertility, and having children are all private and personal things that not everyone is up to sharing about. Even if they aren’t opposed to sharing, the emotions that come from them may be too raw and close to the surface to feel comfortable sharing at the time. Especially when people try to give helpful advice like, “at least it happened early in the pregnancy” or “well, you can try again”. These kinds of comments may be well-meaning but can actually be toxic and hurtful. What they say to a person is that their problem or situation isn’t valid and they should just get over it. If I could express a wish for this post, it would be for people to think before they speak.
You never know what someone is struggling with
You never really know what someone is struggling with, and even if you have good intentions and want to offer help, they may not be ready to open up and talk about it. Being a little more mindful of what someone may be going through before asking goes a long way. If you aren’t willing to just give love and support instead of toxic advice or anecdotes, perhaps leave that question and discussion for another day.
Be patient with us
As far as our family goes, we are frustrated that we have not been able to have more children yet. For some of us, it’s a lot harder than making a monthly plan. Sometimes, no matter how much we want plans to work out, they don’t and we’re left wondering why. We would love to have more kids as much as you would like to see them- but please try and be understanding and realize that this is a very sensitive topic and try to be thoughtful and kind. We’ve shared that we would love to have kids- even that we would love to be seeing more soon. But we can’t just choose to be pregnant. It’s not like choosing to go to the park or go shopping. Sometimes even doing all you can just doesn’t work out and all you can do is keep trying. I promise- when something works out and happens we will be thrilled to share with all of you, but until then, please try and be patient like we are.

