As I look back on everything that has happened over the last year
It’s crazy to compare where we were when we started, to where we are now. In doing that comparison, I can see how blessed we are, and how strong we are in choosing to live this way. As well as how far we have come in adapting to this lifestyle, and finding our own groove in it.
When we got married, we had no idea what we were doing, or how things should look or be, in a plural situation. I thought that I’d have a better idea, having grown up around plural marriage…but then I realized quickly, that I didn’t have any specific examples of it in my life. This surprised me and made me realize that I had only grown up around the idea of plural marriage, and didn’t have any direct influences of witnessing a plural lifestyle, other than a few brief moments of being around a few families that lived the lifestyle.
You’d think that that would work against us, seeing that we had no earthly guidance in the matter, but I believe God helped us along the way…and to me, that points out how committed we are to each other in making it work. It shows me how strong we are in figuring things out. I also think that it was a blessing, because we were able to focus on the things we were actually struggling with, instead of the things other people told us we would struggle with.
When I married Colton, and Tami, I was all in. I knew I had to be the best support I could be to Tami, in however she needed me to be, as well as adapting to having a man in my life. I had to sit and listen, to try and understand Tami better. I had never been around someone that was introverted before, so it was a completely new experience for me. I also knew that the key to making this relationship work was to make sure that all of us knew how to communicate with each other. On the other hand, I had to figure out how to make room for Colton in my life as well.
“Colton was just a visitor in my life.”
My mom was a single mom, and we were all each other had. All we knew was how to be independent; because that was the cards we were dealt. I would always just take care of things, and for a while, Colton was just a visitor in my life. However, I wanted things to be different. I wanted him to take the husband role, and I wanted to figure out how to be a good wife. Its kind of funny that Tami was learning to be more independent in plural marriage, and I was on the opposite side of that balancing act.
Learning to live this way, was hard. We had to be selfless, patient, & kind to each other as we maneuvered through the changes we were all making. But that isn’t what I struggled with, I struggled with the little things…and I mean, really little things.
I struggled with the fact that Colton only owns 1 week’s set of work clothes and it was easier to just have them all over at Tami’s house, so they didn’t get lost, or he wouldn’t forget to grab the right colored shirt (his work requires certain colored shirts on certain days), when my house is 30 minutes from his work…and Tami’s is only 5. Logically this made sense to have them at Tami’s, but emotionally, it made me feel like I wasn’t his wife, that he still turned to Tami to do the wifely duties, like make sure his work clothes had been cleaned and ready for the coming week.
I struggled with the identity of being Colton’s wife.
Everything had to be a secret*, so, the cropping of photo’s began. We would be out doing things together and taking pictures, and pictures would have to be taken, without each other in them, to be able to post them on social media, without revealing our secret.
Again, Logically this made sense, but emotionally, I felt like in that cropped image, I was being cut out of his life…when I was still struggling with figuring out where I fit in it in the first place.
(*Note: We felt like we had to keep everything secretive due to the laws of where we live. But I also realized personally, that I had a built up reservation and an oppressive feeling of how this lifestyle had to be lived due to the history of this lifestyle from the generations before me who had to live in secret, or otherwise faced prosecution, and being locked up, and taken away from their families. Thankfully I realized that this was something I could overcome, and things could be different for us, and I didn’t need to live my life feeling oppressed….and here we are, like I’ve said, we’ve come really far from where we started!)
“it was okay that I wasn’t the same as Tami”
I struggled with the comparison of who Tami was, as a wife to Colton, and how, I wasn’t like that. I didn’t have dinner on the table when he got home from work, due to the fact, that I had just gotten off work as well. (okay, I tried really hard for like 2 weeks and actually had dinner ready, and I was really proud of myself for that- take delight in the little things, right?). I spoke with Colton about this struggle, and I realized, that it was okay that I wasn’t the same as Tami. That her and I have both lived very different lives, and we both have different ways that we are able to be supportive to Colton and to our family. We all bring something different to the table, which I think ends up being very beneficial to our lives.
We have all struggled with different things throughout this first year. But because of the support system we have in each other, we have been able to accomplish many refining hardships that have helped us become better people. I am thankful for my family, my life, and the refining process this lifestyle brings into my everyday life. I get to choose to become a better person because of it.