“A certain man had two sons: And the younger of them said to his father, Father, give me the portion of goods that falleth to me. And he divided unto them his living. And not many days after the younger son gathered all together, and took his journey into a far country, and there wasted his substance with riotous living. And when he had spent all, there arose a mighty famine in that land; and he began to be in want. And he went and joined himself to a citizen of that country; and he sent him into his fields to feed swine. And he would fain have filled his belly with the husks that the swine did eat: and no man gave unto him. And when he came to himself, he said, How many hired servants of my father’s have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee, And am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one of thy hired servants. And he arose, and came to his father. But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him. And the son said unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in thy sight, and am no more worthy to be called thy son. But the father said to his servants, Bring forth the best robe, and put it on him; and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet: And bring hither the fatted calf, and kill it; and let us eat, and be merry: For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.” – Luke 15: 11-24
Sharing my journey into plural marriage
This is going to be a vulnerable post for me. I haven’t explained my background in plural marriage to many people. It’s not something that I share lightly. I grew up with the same (often false) narrative that most members of the LDS Church were raised with. Plural marriage was a necessary evil. Plural marriage was a way to provide widows and orphans with security. Plural marriage was only lived by 2% of the people. Plural marriage was always a struggle. It was always heartbreaking. The pioneers lived it righteously when God commanded them to, but when the need went away, God revoked his command and the standard of monogamy was restored. No one was ever happy living it. Anyone who lives it now is not in harmony with the will of the Lord and they are living it in apostasy and wickedness.
When I was 15 or 16 years old, I began studying the lives and journals of ancestors. Most of my ancestors during the period of plural marriage in the LDS Church lived in “The Principle.” Some of them did have great struggles with it. Some of them had great joys and love in it. I began to think of it in terms of marriage in general. Some monogamous marriages have great struggles. Some have great joys and love. The thought that there could be such a thing as a happy plural marriage shook my previous conceptions and beliefs clear to the foundation of my faith.
This began my struggle that would last for years.
I struggled with it through my teens. I struggled with it as I served a mission for the church. I struggled with it as I lead congregations in endowment ceremonies in the Saint George Temple for three years. I struggled with it when I married Tami and then we struggled with it together. There were so many times that I decided to just remain faithful to the Church and to suppress these first small flames of testimony regarding plural marriage that would one day grow into a fire. It got so hard for me at one dark point in my life that I had decided to give up on religion entirely. If I couldn’t solve the dichotomy and the Lord wouldn’t help me, I’d just give it up. I’d give it all up.
This was one of the most difficult times in my life. This was the darkest period of my life.
At this period in my life, I realized that there was something deeper happening with me. I had always struggled with depressed, sometimes even suicidal thoughts. I began to let that depression take hold and it started leading me down paths that I didn’t want to go down. It finally got so bad for me at this point in my life that, with Tami’s encouragement, I chose to seek help instead of continuing on the destructive course that I was on.
Admitting a diagnosis of clinical depression isn’t easy. It’s hard not to feel permanently tainted by it, to know that you aren’t quite “right in the head.” I’m sure there are plenty of people who have thought that anyways when they found out that I was living plural marriage. It was a diagnosis that I needed, however. I sought out treatment and finally began to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I finally began to piece my life back together. Time is short, however, so I’ll have to continue this story next week.
